Burned Out
Mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion, or burnout, is something I have felt each day since the beginning of this school year. I, along with many of you, place insane standards upon myself for no legitimate reason. I am well aware of the toxicity that lies within these expectations, yet I refuse to allow myself to breathe. My overall health is suffering because of my workload. Parental confrontation regarding such issues enables stupid responses such as “Summer is soon ” or “It’s just this week” to slip out of my lips. To what end will I let my stress consume me? To what end will you let your stress consume you?
Three AP classes, six additional classes, an international United Nations internship, seven music groups (leadership positions within each of them), choral competitions, ACT prep, volunteering, a job, nine clubs, class executive council, etc, leave no room for relaxation, self-care, or much social life. Weekends are consumed by labs (horrifically always due on Saturdays) and working. I often find myself skipping meals and social gatherings at the hand of my extreme workload.
I place all of this on myself. Though I have the power to remove stressors and unnecessary or insignificant extracurriculars, I will never do so. I, unlike many of you, have not always been as academically successful or dedicated as I am now. I began in CP courses, as my counselors did not think I could handle anything more due to my ADHD. My grades were poor and eons below those at the moment.
It feels as if my life, at least until the end of my high school career, has one purpose: raising my cumulative GPA and getting into a top university for my major. I know those words may not seem difficult to accomplish, as you are consistently high-achieving people. For me, one grade (good or bad) can change everything, and I cannot risk that. Therefore I have spent every waking moment since the first day of my sophomore year trying to make up for the lack of academic focus I displayed in the past.
My genius, top 10, 4.0 GPA in college sister told me recently that she wishes she spent more time living rather than studying for the AP Physics exam in which she forgot every aspect. Those words make me contemplate my priorities quite a bit. Despite the lingering anxiety about college, these years are supposed to demonstrate fearless growth and exploration. Am I treating them as such? Are you?
I feel eternal burnout. Living on a cycle strictly of homework assignments, tests, and studying is the epitome of unsustainable. I hope to find a balance between living and learning, as I do not think I can continue to go to bed at 3 am and proceed to wake up at 6 am every day much longer. If you have any suggestions, please don’t hesitate to reach out and let me know! :)
Three AP classes, six additional classes, an international United Nations internship, seven music groups (leadership positions within each of them), choral competitions, ACT prep, volunteering, a job, nine clubs, class executive council, etc, leave no room for relaxation, self-care, or much social life. Weekends are consumed by labs (horrifically always due on Saturdays) and working. I often find myself skipping meals and social gatherings at the hand of my extreme workload.
I place all of this on myself. Though I have the power to remove stressors and unnecessary or insignificant extracurriculars, I will never do so. I, unlike many of you, have not always been as academically successful or dedicated as I am now. I began in CP courses, as my counselors did not think I could handle anything more due to my ADHD. My grades were poor and eons below those at the moment.
It feels as if my life, at least until the end of my high school career, has one purpose: raising my cumulative GPA and getting into a top university for my major. I know those words may not seem difficult to accomplish, as you are consistently high-achieving people. For me, one grade (good or bad) can change everything, and I cannot risk that. Therefore I have spent every waking moment since the first day of my sophomore year trying to make up for the lack of academic focus I displayed in the past.
My genius, top 10, 4.0 GPA in college sister told me recently that she wishes she spent more time living rather than studying for the AP Physics exam in which she forgot every aspect. Those words make me contemplate my priorities quite a bit. Despite the lingering anxiety about college, these years are supposed to demonstrate fearless growth and exploration. Am I treating them as such? Are you?
I feel eternal burnout. Living on a cycle strictly of homework assignments, tests, and studying is the epitome of unsustainable. I hope to find a balance between living and learning, as I do not think I can continue to go to bed at 3 am and proceed to wake up at 6 am every day much longer. If you have any suggestions, please don’t hesitate to reach out and let me know! :)
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| Here is a photo I took of some pretty flowers. I try to convince myself that all of the work I do will help me bloom (like a flower haha), and that thought keeps the motor running! |
I love the picture, it is so beautiful. I understand where you are coming from. I too, feel exhausted from the constant grind of academics, athletics, and music. I did not realize how much I enjoyed the nothingness of quarantine until I was thrown back into the mix again and felt completely overwhelmed. I feel as if I am more forgetful now, missing assignment due dates, forgetting what class I have next, or leaving a book at home. I think this all stems from the burnout you referenced before. I can say that I feel BURNED OUT.
ReplyDeleteYour flowers are so beautiful. I completely understand where you are coming from. I am so stressed and beyond burntout, but at the same time, I won't accept my failure, so I continue to push myself to my limits. I know I am also the cause of this stress. I feel as though if everything isn't perfect and I'm not working to my fullest potential than I won't be successful later. I think people like us just struggle to find that fine line between pushing ourselves for the better and pushing ourselves past the tipping point. I hope things get better, but after saying that for 7 months in this crazy school year, my only hopes for better lie in summer.
ReplyDeleteYou have a goal, college university, and you have a set plan to get there by consistently raising your GPA. If that's what you think is the priority then focus on that, your academics. I know habits are really hard to break, but you know what you need to do, you literally stated it in your post. Are colleges really going to look at your application and be like "oh no, if she only just had "7" music groups instead of 6 I'd let her in?" Also you're still hopping back and forth between two very different major plans. Maybe do what you have to do, college visits, career research or even job shadowing to find out now who you want to become. That's obviously very unrealistic for a lot of people, you can always change your major later, but I understand you want the proper high school credentials. I hope maybe this helped in some way, you're so talented and I know you'll figure it out. Or endure your schedule until next school year if you can, but please don't overload yourself again next semester. *heart emoji
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