Goodricke Week #8

I've been finding myself wishing more than ever to stop time. Time moves so incredibly quickly when you don't want it to. I'm frustrated by that. I find myself sitting in my room about to get ready for work, knowing I have 25 minutes befoe I have to shower, and that times races by. I literally lay down in my bed, roll over, and it's time to get in the shower. Maybe I just need better time management skills, or I have good time management skills, but time is to blame. We see the physical effect time has on people: wrinkles, sunspots, dying, etc. However, the point that I want to bring up is the mental effect that time has on a person, specifically, me. I don't like growing up. I tear up everytime I say that to myself. I see pictures of myself from when I was 9 or 10 and becoming very upset. Obviously, I had a conscious mind, but I cannot tell you the things that I was stressed about or even what made me happy at the time. I know that I've always made it a point to think about the future. What would my life look like in high school? Would I have all of the leads in the musicals, be the president of all of the choirs, have the best grades, or have the cutest boyfriend? I'm sure I wasn't alone in having these thoughts. As I definitely have noticed, I don't have any of those things. Though, I did get the lead in the musical last year, but because of the global pandemic we were hit with, I'm not even counting it and I'm moving on. I really hate getting older. I know I'm just 17 and I have a long life ahead of me (hopefully). However, reflecting back to 10 year old me is devestating. Would I be proud of who I am? I'd like to think so. I have a very strong mind. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm incredibly smart or witty, but I do consider myself wise. If I've learned nothing over the past 7 years is that I know who I am. I am a very caring, loyal, loving, positive, and out-going person. I love being surrounded by people, but I treasure alone time to reflect on everything occuring in my life at the time. When I am dedicated to something, I do not let go until I know I've done everything to be the best it can be. Of course, there are qualities of mine that I know little Allie in her neon pink room in her Princess Ariel chair wouldn't look too kindly on. Truthfully, I don't even know if little Allie would care about anything besides her Zayn Malik poster or her real life crush whom she called at least 8 times a day. Sorry, AL. I have a younger cousin who just turned 10 named Riane. She is my everything. Without her, I don't know what I would do. What hurts to think about is how her memory of her being young will fade away, and all the wonderful memories that we share that I hold so dear will follow. I hope to God she never has to go through what I went through when I was her age. I hope her parents stay together and her brother doesn't ever drift away from her when they both get older. I hope that she never has to feel the pain that I find myself feeling sometimes. That would kill me. I hope that she sees me as an ally that I didn't get to have at her age. I remember how innocent those times were, but also how quickly that innocence faded. I hope she watches out for boys, they truly suck. They'll have to go through me first if they even think of trying to date her when shes a little older. The point is, I wish I could talk to my 10 year old self, and tell her that everything will be okay. Tell her to hug her dog and go out and play with him, because of how painful his loss was to me. Tell her to go play video games with her brother and listen to him talk about his legos. Tell her to call her Grandfather in England and tell him everything about my day, for she'll be wishing she did everyday before he passed. Tell her to let her mom know how much she loves her and thank her for always being there for her. Tell her to go on the painfully long fishing trips with her dad. And most of all, just tell her to be grateful. Live is so precious. I'm grateful to have what I have. Sometimes I just wish it all wouldn't go so fast.