Living With Regret
There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about my grandfather. He was a special person to me, and will live in my heart forever. My grandfather was a very kind and loving man who would go out of his way to make others happy. He was a Lieutenant in the NYPD, and when I was little, I loved listening to all the great stories he had to tell. I truly mean it when I say he was one of the greatest people I had ever met. I was very blessed to have a grandfather like him.
In 2015, he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. I remember the day my parents told my sisters and me. I definitely took it the hardest. After many questions and an endless amount of tears, I had to accept the fact that time was limited with him. My grandparents lived in Long Island, New York, so it wasn't that easy to go and see him. For the next three years, every time I could go and see him I would. I never wanted to have guilt because I didn't spend enough time with him.
The last time I got to see him was Thanksgiving of 2018. Shortly after that, things took a turn for the worse. He was in and out of the hospital and needed a lot of medical attention. In the last few months of his life, he was getting very ill. The cancer was spreading throughout his body. I made the personal decision to not see him in the hospital because I couldn't bring myself to see him sick and in pain. On the day he passed, I was in school, and my dad left to go see him one last time. The rest of us were going to leave right when we got home from school, but it was too late.
My grandfather passed on May 10, 2019, and to this day, it is something I struggle with. I wish I would have been able to say goodbye in person. It is something I will never be able to change, but I know my grandfather would not want me to live with this guilt forever. As time has gone on, things have gotten a little easier. Something that has helped me has been opening up about my feelings. Whether I am just having a conversation with someone, or just writing it down, I have noticed that letting it all out really has been very beneficial for me!
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| My grandparents and me at my First Holy Communion in 2012. |
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kelly. Your grandfather sounded like a really great man. After someone you love passes, it always feels like you could have done something differently. Trust me, I know the feeling. If you take a step back, though, and think back on all of the wonderful memories you shared with him, you'll realize that you shouldn't change a thing. To help manage the regret you still feel, I would keep writing. Noting and talking about your emotions is a fundamental step in healing your conscience. Thanks for sharing, Kelly:)
ReplyDeleteKelly, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Losing someone is never easy, and your grandfather seemed like an exceptional person. Everyone deals with these types of situations differently, and it is totally valid of you to not want to see him like that. Keep focusing on all of the great memories you have created with him. He would not want you to dwell on your regrets :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss Kelly, I know how hard it is to loose someone so close to your heart. I love that you will always have so many wonderful memories of him and that you both had wonderful memories together. He's in a better place now.
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